Los Angeles: An Armchair Perspective, “3-Pointer Plus the Foul”…

You see, it’s like this actually…

It’s fall in Los Angeles—and the days are warm and the nights are cold. (Sounds poetic.) I was a bit under the weather for the past few weeks and needed some time recuperate. So forgive my absence—if something like that concerns you. Continuing from my “armchair,” I’d like to share with you four more observations of Los Angeles.Enjoy!

Backwards Cap, No Mortgage

‘Sup, bro?

There’s a saying down in Texas: “All hat, and no cattle.” At face value the saying could simply be read as one who dons a large cowboy hat—obviously—but possesses no livestock (re: cattle). It too is analogous with the Gen-Xer term poser: one who tries (way too) hard but still doesn’t “get it,” a person who brags endlessly about their doings and accomplishments but has in fact built their person on a mountain of lies to make themselves look better… I think you can see where I’m going with this. I affectionately apply the saying “Backwards cap, no mortgage” to my fellow Angelenos.

Apartment “amenity” in LA…

Take away the sun, the view, the beach, the marijuana, the Benz, and the women—do that, and, well, you’ve left the contemporary Angeleno with holding nothing but a cup in his/her hand because no one here owns much of anything (re: property). Yes, there’s a spoiled, entitled, robber baron mercantile class living their best version of life here in La-La Land (and California at large) but for the other 85% they’re living in a de facto renter state. Even as far back as the seventies California has had problems with affordable housing. The rule book has been completely thrown out now though. Los Angeles, by way of Forbes magazine, has been listed as the worst American city for renters beating out San Francisco, New York and Miami. Since 2013, L.A. has been the most rent-burdened city in the country. Roughly 60% of Angelenos spend upwards of 40% of their income on rent. The ballpark for rent for a single-person unit averages $1,516 per month, while a family unit averages between $2,172 and $2,483 per month. And these are the rental prices for units that don’t come with refrigerators or stoves!

Jonestown Redux

“We all agree… We all agree… We all agree…”

Here. Drink this. Taste good, doesn’t it? No? Don’t like it? Well, like, what’s your problem, bro?

If for nothing else, living in Los Angeles has taught me one thing: that it’s just best to agree with everyone, all the time, on every issue, regardless out outcome, or context, NO MATTER WHAT! If you are on the receiving end of this, you may be sitting there scratching your head like, WTF!

Never take your eyes off your cocktail…

It’s been said that in New York people stab you in the front and in Los Angeles people stab you in the back… Well, you can imagine my shock and horror upon hearing this as someone who grew up in a flyover country (Louisiana). It made my drive west a wee bit stressful. Thankfully, I’m happy to report that there are no pulling of knives in Los Angeles; however, there is plenty nodding of heads. It’s like Jonestown all over again.

Now, I can’t speak about the so-called “pretentiousness,” or “phoniness,” or “fakeness” of Los Angeles; because, well, for one, I’m not sure that that’s a fair assessment of the city, and two, I’m not even sure that that exist. Nevertheless, I can speak about Angelenos need to agree—vehemently—with one another, because that’s actually palpable. It’s a borderline obsession even. Like any American city L.A. has its good and bad. So, no way am I suggesting to you that the city lacks any dissidents. You’re just hard-pressed to find them out gallivanting around.

When you try to fit in…

I think this need to constantly be in agreement comes down to a few factors. One: people here are way too nice. It’s true; Angelenos, no matter how overworked, over-taxed, and over-burdened they are, they somehow manage to always turn on their smiles. And smiles are infectious, especially if the people smiling at you are easy on the eyes. Two: it’s biologically and socially (and possibly metaphysically) rewarding—in the sense that our perception of such an effort could be recognized by someone else, who, in kind, could improve one’s lot in life. Studies have shown that whenever there’s scarcity or limited resources people tend to show this type of behavior (group-think). And as I have mentioned above, with close to 40% of our income already being allotted for rent, going against the grain could potentially lead to homelessness or yourself as your only friend. It used to be that people would fight over crumbs; well, in L.A. people nod their heads for them. Lastly, it may be holistic. At the end of the day, Angelenos just want their apartments, their jobs, their “things,” their “person” to come together and form like Voltron—and for all of it to be the absolute best ever! Even though it may just be “okay.” Just remember to keep comments like that to yourself; and God help you should you say them out loud.

You know, if my advice is worth anything…

 

Dirty Sole

As a wee lad I grew up in a poor black neighborhood. How poor was it? Well, in my neighborhood of yore people were so poor that if their kids didn’t have brand-new (“tennis”) shoes to wear to school they didn’t send them… What do brand-new shoes have to do with getting an education? The hell if I know; it never made much sense to me either.

Custom-made for the streets of LA

Avoiding the socioeconomic reasoning of so terrible a logic, it did shape my outlook on footwear. And, man, people in Los Angeles—Millennials especially—love them some dirty sneaks. I kind of wish I could do a re-do on grade school for my childhood classmates. If only they had grown up in Los Angeles they’d probably be doing a lot better in life. (Maybe a few of them are.)

Lookin’ goooood….

At first I used to think it was a Hipster thing, but they’ve moved on to wearing that really old style of Oxford which has now gone mainstream. And all the means is that the Hipsters have most likely moved on to another type of shoe. Trendsetters.

And let me be clear: I’m not talking about a little scuff marks here, a scratch there… It’s like a full-on competition to get the shoes as dirty as possible. I’ve even seen couples out-and-about with matching dirty sneakers. It’s fascinating. I’ve even drunk the Kool-Aid (heh heh) on this and have several pairs of dirty sneakers (Converse) in the closet.

Table for “1”?

Just me tonight…

L.A.’s billed as a party town, but there’s a suburban and outdoorsy vibe to the place also. But for Yups, though, L.A. lacks a true happy hour scene due to the gridlocked nature of the roadways during evening rush hour. So when the dinner rush hits—usually right around 8PM—larger groups looking for a bite to eat get top priority. This town gives a big F.U. to the single diner.

And it’s always awkward walking into a restaurant alone. The host/hostess looks at you all weird and the first place she/he turns to when scanning the dining room to accommodate you is the bar. I kid you not. Every damn time! I’ve been here for eleven years and not once have I ever been offered a table when I walk enter a restaurant alone. What if I was a recovering alcoholic or didn’t drink alcohol at all? Then what?

Kevin knows…

I’m sure this happens to single diners in every metropolitan American city, but Los Angeles really bungles this one bad. And if it’s not the host/hostess screwing you over, it’s the “server” (waiter) who’s pissed he/she has to wait on one person—because when you’re working for tips the more heads the better, amirite?

There’s have been times that I’ve gone out to eat and have asked for a table and I have been told that the open tables I see in front of me are reserved for large parties; some even sit open for another forty-five minutes while I sit at the bar checking the clock on my cell phone. I’m like, I could’ve eaten and have gone by the time those with reservations were set to arrive. And it’s always nope! You can’t sit there because if we don’t sit the maximum amount of people at the open tables we’re all gonna die…. Best bet hitting a restaurant in L.A. is to make an Open Table reservation online for three, then asked—demand!—to be seated and immediately order your meal. (Food menus are online now.) When the “server” finally realizes that you’re the only one sitting there and comes by to ask why, lie (sorry) and tell the “server” that you’re friends are stuck in traffic. Works every time.

Oh, and another thing…

Well, I’ve gotta run! Be on the lookout for my next installment later this month. Happy Halloween!

Los Angeles: An Armchair Perspective, The Sidewalks of Los Angeles…

You see, it’s like this actually…

… are freakin’ disgusting! And I say this as a person who moved to Los Angeles from New Orleans where tourists treat the streets of the French Quarter like it’s their own personal waste receptacle, and the city itself determines the success of each Mardi Gras by the amount of trash picked up off the ground—literally weighing it by the kilo—by prison trustees on Ash Wednesday (the day after Fat Tuesday) morning. So, I know what it’s like to have to high-step over and zigzag through random objects left on the ground.

Fresh squeezed!! My favorite!!

But I’ve never seen filth on the sidewalk to the level it is in Los Angeles—and an entire populous so laissez-faire about the aesthetics of the sidewalks they (we) traverse… And the condition of the sidewalks is just the tip of the iceberg to what’s going on in this here mega city! (More on this later in the series.) Los Angeles proper is the quintessential 21st century urban obstacle course bumf*ck bonanza.

So smooth… NOT!

Honest to goodness, I can’t even tell you the last time I walked in a straight line down a city block… If it’s not people obstructing my way; then some random object (that has no business being there) is. You know, Angelenos love to bitch & moan about the need for more HOV lanes and less billboards on the freeways, but forget all that noise: what’s up with these goddamn sidewalks?

Post-apocalyptic.

Some make the argument that this is what Big City Livin’ is all about—but have you seen the sidewalks of Taipei or the city-state of Singapore, or Geneva? (You can eat off the ground in any of those three cities. Whenever I drop food on the ground in L.A., I say a small prayer to myself and just kiss my food goodbye.) So, I have to strongly disagree with that sentiment/analysis. This comes down to a matter of personal responsibility and civic pride. I do my part by not throwing trash (or anything else for that matter) on the ground. As for my fellow Angelenos, well…

Sad reality…

I mean, we all look down nowadays because of our cell phone addiction—so how could Angelenos not notice how filthy the majority of the sidewalks have become? At this point it’s negligible what we’ve allowed to happen to the second largest city in the United States. I feel like this city should be a showpiece… About that: I’m always within earshot of a conversation where I can’t help but overhear an Angeleno talking to their friends visiting them from out of town where they deploy “the excuse” on why the streets of L.A. look like shit. (Excuse my French.) It goes something like, “Things are getting a lot better—don’t mind the trash.” Or “It’s improving. You should’ve seen how this area used to look.” Or “This neighborhood doesn’t usually look like this, there must’ve been a festival yesterday or something.” Or failing those comments, they simply laugh it off… What does this kind of response say about the psyche of the people living here?

Anybody need a new mattress and box spring set??

I was out over the weekend with an acquaintance of mine and I happened to chat up a group of four from Orlando who were in Los Angeles for the first time. Their travel agent got them a great deal at a downtown Los Angeles hotel, and they were shocked at how filthy the streets of L.A. were. One of the young women—paraphrasing here, but pretty close to her exact words—commented to me on the condition of L.A.’s sidewalks to this effect:

“At first we thought they were filming a movie, because there was just trash everywhere and random people walking around. But the more we walked around, the more we started to realize that every street was like this. I got scared and eventually we went back to our hotel and just swam in the pool for a while. We looked on the internet to find some spots that were safe because we didn’t feel like there were any near our hotel.”

What the young woman is referring to is L.A.’s infamous Skid Row and the surrounding downtown area currently under revitalization but is still being treated like a junk yard/outdoor homeless shelter.

Sidewalks of LA…

Mind blown, yet?

Darn outdoor patios…

Here’s what you’re guaranteed to encounter when walking the streets of Los Angeles: broken pavement, cigarette butts, soiled baby diapers, memory foam, cleaning products, various household appliances (especially bent ironing boards), street musicians, (illegal) street vendors, celebrity/superhero impersonators, construction equipment, old mattresses, furniture (sectional couches especially), used travel luggage, flight itineraries, porn magazines/flyers, business cards/flyers, loose strips of paper, empty plastic bottles (OMG!), outdated computer monitors, children’s toys, jumper cables, worn tires, old televisions and flat screens, discarded food containers (my favorite is the empty potato chip bag), used syringes, bloody tampons, loose coins, receipts, valet tickets, (gang) graffiti, aerosol cans, homeless encampments, stray animals, clipboard activists, Jehovah witnesses, protest mobs (there’s like one every weekend), parking meters, dog shit, human shit, pigeon shit, puddles of “liquid”, illegal immigrants, clapboards, outdoor patio/sidewalk seating areas, newspaper stands, mailboxes, dog bowls, trampled-on/half-eaten pieces of food, cardboard boxes, milk crates, soiled blankets/bed sheets, felled tree branches, random articles of clothing, baby strollers, mannequin heads, shopping carts, shards of glass, etc… Basically, the streets of Los Angeles have become a de facto landfill—if I haven’t driven that point home any further. Admittedly so, the sanitation department of Los Angeles is fighting a losing battle, one they’re none too concerned about because they’re all union! (And stressed the hell out.) Union meaning—we’ll get to it when we get to it, and better to let it pile up first so we don’t lose our job or government contract staying on top of this madness.

When it rains, the sewer grates look like this…

Photos tell a much better story, so I’ll cut this blog post short and leave you with a few extras. And mind you, none of these were staged and all of them were taken at random while I was out running errands… As mentioned above, Angelenos have turned a blind eye to filth piling up on the sidewalks, or again they laugh it off and opt to deploy “the excuse” when cornered on this issue. But trust me: they’re fully aware of this issue.

Watch your step—literally!

After being out here on the west coast for more than a decade, I’ve learned that most people find that the best solution to this problem is to just run away from it. So the more affluent Angelenos—and the ones willing to pay a premium on rent that is already exorbitant and unaffordable—have ran to the very outskirts of L.A. (Santa Monica, Orange County, San Gabriel Valley, South Bay to name a few areas) cramming themselves into every nook and cranny of the outlying region so as not to have to face this very issue while those unwilling to pay a king’s ransom for rent are left to zigzag their way through this filth. But even the perimeter of Los Angeles is now starting to succumb to the Filth Monster, and soon there won’t be anywhere else to run should you (we) want to continue to live in southern California. Me, I’m off the opinion that the sidewalk issue—along with others—will get worse before it gets better. So, if you still feel like L.A.’s the place for you: be on high-alert, do some extra squats at the gym, and be prepared to high-jump and side-step your every destination.

Sofa-microwave-old T-shirt combo!

Rando dog food!

I’ve banged a knee on so many of these…

An old desk… seriously??

Like, you had to walk past a dumpster…

Gross!

Til Next time….

Oh, and another thing…

 

Los Angeles: An Armchair Perspective

It’s midway through 2018 and it has sort of been a meh year. To be honest, the summer crept up on me out of nowhere and if it wasn’t for a calendar alert reminding me to book a flight for my summer vacation I would’ve kept right along doing what I was doing: nothing!

You see, it’s like this actually…

And it’s okay to veg—I tell myself this, of course, to wipe away any potential shame or guilt that could arise in moments of prolonged idleness… It was about this time last year coincidentally that I got the sense that 2018 was going to be rather tame—and boy was my prediction accurate! No major complaints though, nor do I have anything to bitch about. Perfect health (sans one knee and one wrist), great job, money in the bank, roof over my head, vibrant aura, full stomach, clear mind, halfway decent sex life—I’m good!

The lull—if it I should even call it that—has more to do with the behind-the-scenes, day-to-day, re-re-branding, and strategizing of my life post Hollywood burnout. That aside, the creative juices continue to flow, spilling right over from last year’s effort and into this year’s… About that.

I might as well come clean: I scrapped my book idea. (Sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve done that.) It dawned on me, while proofreading, how uneven it was: some posts were clearly better than others that just never really seemed to jell properly. On top of that, I had real life chomping at my heels (hint: FEMA). A valiant effort, but not one where I would feel comfortable about shaking people down for two dollars a copy, or going into the red to self-publish a book and then releasing it for free!

So I’ll just move right on along to Phase Two: which is my newsletter. (They’re all the rage right these days.) And if I haven’t mentioned this before, well, I’m doing it now… (On my desk at home is a stack of rezis from cartoonists, illustrators, satirists, writers, poets, etc. Oh, and I’m terrible at selling myself, as you can see.)

You know, if my advice is worth anything…

Since my last post (December, 2017) I got to thinking about my time here in Los Angeles. I’ve been here for a little over a decade now and I haven’t spoken much about what it’s like to live here in the City of Angels. People have asked me, but I would casually avoid the What’s it like to live in LA? question. I wanted to nip this in the bud last year (June, 2017) on my ten-year anniversary—but forgot. And then there was my U.S. cities series, and I could’ve easily slipped my opinion of L.A. into that, and, well… I’ve only written about one city (San Francisco; more to come though). Then Confessions of an American Amateur Theater-Reviewer got in the way; plus, the idea of talking ish about my (adopted) city makes me feel queasy… But, then again, La La Land is too fascinating a subject not to discuss. Still rolling around the idea in my head, I said to myself that I were to express my opinion on what it’s like to live L.A., it’d have to be written—and from an armchair perspective. Something tangible and relatable, but at the same time slack and not so scripted… And maybe then one could get a gauge on how I feel about living in L.A. after reading all I had to say.

Well, gosh darn it!, here it is: a new series (titled above) for you, the handful of readers who come to my blog from time to time—and something that I can refer people to who are constantly asking me with the what’s it like…? question(s). Now please bear in mind that this is Los Angeles through my eyes, and that overall slant of this series (and blog) is tongue and cheek (satirical?). So don’t be put-off or offended by what you read here (de facto trigger warning, I guess). Seeing as I’ve been here for more than a decade (11 years) I have ten bullet points (observations?, topics?, areas?)—plus one more!—I’d like to share that I feel are unique to the Los Angeles metropolitan area. Some of them might be familiar to you; some not so much, bordering on absurd and nonsensical… Because you’ve heard about the materialism, the narcissism, the balmy weather, the celebrity culture, the Ray-Bans®, the street gangs, the bad traffic—all of which are true, and the potential for overlap is likely. However, I’m hoping to be slightly “adjacent” to what’s already floating around out there.

Oh, and another thing…

I’ve got a bit of writing and operations work to do for the back half of this year, so I’ll try to bang all ten (11) of these out two per month through the end of December. The first one’s a good one too! And I’m not just saying that because it’s my writing… It’s one that will make Angelenos grin widely because it’s sooo true, and everyone else outside of the SoCal bubble scratch their heads like, WTF!